Gin (trixiegirl) wrote,

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won't drive 4 hours for the dream

I have been told I am a dream worth giving up on. Not worth holding on to any longer. Not worth the time and effort. But "an awesome person." How much more awesome would I have to become to be worth it? What am I not doing?

I was not going to fall in love with him. It was casual. I was going to keep my distance, have a fling perhaps. Until he told me he was "serious about having a relationship with me." Then I let my guard down a bit. Then he was going to move to Portland and we could be together. I let my guard down a lot. We spent more and more time together, and I went ahead and fell in love with him. And he with me, supposedly. But then something invisibly changed and it stopped "working" and it was no longer a viable model for a relationship and there was suddenly no way it could work anymore. And there were suddenly all these excuses not to move. He's scared. He's got "things to take care of up there." His refrain: I don't know what I want.

But then he says maybe he made a bad decision, and he probably does want to move to Portland. My hopes are up. He smashes them again. Mixed messages, confusion, false hope (lots of false hope). How can I get over something that might not be over? Should I fight for it or let it die? I fight for it. In vain. Pathetically.

I am a fool. Not worth holding on to.
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