not real

I gave too much. I loved too much. I felt too much. We all know nobody wants what is easily attained.

An amazing, sweet, talented, cute person who's crazy about me? No thanks... what else you got? Maybe a thinner, crazy one?

The thing about romantic love is that it's a joke. A giant, cosmic conspiracy of bullshit. Not real. NOT REAL! And pretending it's real just fucks you up. Don't believe me? Wait for it. All relationships end in tragedy.


He left me.

Not physically -- he was already so far away. He just refused to come close. And in so doing, refused me.

The last time I saw him, he was mine. The next time I see his face is going to rip me apart. And I have no idea when I will get to see him again.

I was really happy with him.

One year, two months, two weeks.

How do you get over someone who supposedly loves you just refusing to be with you? If someone who loves you that much doesn't want to stay with you, what is worth loving? Is love worth trusting? I really can't believe that anyone other than my family will love me as long as I live. Or for more than a couple years, even.

He's gone he's gone he's gone he's gone he's gone. I may never see him again. He will date someone else. He may marry someone else. If I ever bother with love again, it will have to be very different. And I will have to be very stupid to think it's a good idea.

I miss his smile so much. I miss his stature. His arms. His hugs... His hair. His tattoos. His butt. His jokes. His music. His pictures. The way I felt when I was with him. The way I felt when we were happy. Not doubting myself.

I don't want him back. I just want him never to have left me in the first place. Or the second place.
It could never be the same now. I will never be the same now.
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I need reassurance

I am beginning to realize it doesn't take much to turn me into an insecure basketcase.

Love is scary! Why do we do it??
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el tough

Unexpected Moments of Bliss

Well what do you know. 2010 is halfway over already. It seems that what I used to use this journal for has been replaced by facebook and twitter. That 's not to say I have no more use for it, though. I just have to figure a new purpose for it.

My deadline for Mission: 101 has passed, so I'll post an update about that soon, but I can't right now because I'm writing this on my phone from the set of my first film! It's a short film and I'm playing the lead, an office worker who finds creative ways to make the best of less-than-ideal situations. It's fun! And Lars is on his way down to join us for the wrap party this afternoon. Then we'll attend Tricia & Roland's annual Drinking Triathlon/going away toga party. And I'll ride back up north with him tomorrow so he can work Monday morning, when I'll take the train back to Portland. We're getting this down to a science, but I'd still prefer not to have to say goodbye to him as often as I do.

won't drive 4 hours for the dream

I have been told I am a dream worth giving up on. Not worth holding on to any longer. Not worth the time and effort. But "an awesome person." How much more awesome would I have to become to be worth it? What am I not doing?

I was not going to fall in love with him. It was casual. I was going to keep my distance, have a fling perhaps. Until he told me he was "serious about having a relationship with me." Then I let my guard down a bit. Then he was going to move to Portland and we could be together. I let my guard down a lot. We spent more and more time together, and I went ahead and fell in love with him. And he with me, supposedly. But then something invisibly changed and it stopped "working" and it was no longer a viable model for a relationship and there was suddenly no way it could work anymore. And there were suddenly all these excuses not to move. He's scared. He's got "things to take care of up there." His refrain: I don't know what I want.

But then he says maybe he made a bad decision, and he probably does want to move to Portland. My hopes are up. He smashes them again. Mixed messages, confusion, false hope (lots of false hope). How can I get over something that might not be over? Should I fight for it or let it die? I fight for it. In vain. Pathetically.

I am a fool. Not worth holding on to.
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summer summer

I will just pretend it has not been ages and ages since my last update.

School ended June 12, but I have not been relaxing. It does not feel like
summer break. I have still been spending time at school and still have
school things to worry about, as well as other life things.

I only took 2 classes this past term, and I took an incomplete in one of
them because the teacher offered to let me take an I instead of an F (which
I really deserve), giving me more time to turn in 2 papers and take the
final. So I've got to read 4 plays and write papers about them and arrange
to take the final exam sometime. So far I've read 2 of the plays. These are
plays from about 1400-1700 AD, England, France, Spain, and Germany
(translated to English of course). Most of them are very hard for me to
read. Several of them are written completely in rhyming couplets, which I
just cannot abide. I can't focus on what the people are saying because I
can't get past the incredibly unnatural rhythm/rhyme scheme. And many of the
rest of them are just boring. I don't really like reading plays anyway,
because they're not written to be read, they're written to be performed.
They're like blueprints. I'd have a much better time writing about plays I
can watch.

This class is Development of Dramatic Art 2 (aka DDA2), a theater history
course required for the Theater Arts major. Also required are DDA1, Modern
Theater 1 and 2 or Multicultural Theater or Women in Theater and Society,
and several other courses involving reading and writing about plays which I
have no interest in taking. So I'm going to change my major to Arts &

Arts & Letters is an "interdisciplinary degree program" which means you get
to take pretty much whatever classes you want in any of several departments,
as long as you have at least 8 upper division credits in each of 2 different
departments (most classes are 4 credits each) and at least one Writing
Intensive Course (which I have). I have definitely got one of the
concentrations covered with Theater Arts courses. So while I still haven't
quite sorted out which exact courses I'll be taking, there are many more
options now, and a weight has lifted from my shoulders! I should be able to
graduate by end of next Winter term at the earliest, possibly end of Spring
term. So, another year.

In other news, this summer I'll be pretty busy with theater and acting.
Tonight (Friday), The Odd Couple finally opens! This is the TASO show I've
been working on for probably at least 6 months as production manager (as
well as publicist, set crew, and soon to be co-house manager, usher, and
concessions seller) and which has probably caused me more stress than any
other play I've ever worked on (not counting Haroun and the Sea of Stories,
my accidental fall during strike and the ensuing hospital bills). Producing
is really effing HARD, especially when your funding comes from the
University and you have to navigate excessive beaurocracy in the shape of
ludicrous policies and bountiful paperwork. I am immensely proud that this
show is happening because I put so much work and energy into it (and so did
several other very dedicated, unpaid theater artists) and now it's real and
people will see it and that is extremely exciting! If you're in Portland and
want to see Neil Simon's classic American comedy, the shows are June 26-29
and July 3-5, 7:30pm each night except Sundays which are 2pm matinees, at
the New Studio Theater in the Market Center Building at 1600 SW 4th Ave (at
Market St). Suggested donation is $5 except for the FREE show next Saturday,
the 4th of July.

Tomorrow (Saturday), I'll be acting in a short play as part of No.Fest
a festival of new music and art in the quaint, sleepy North Portland
neighborhood of St. Johns (where I had my first Portland job at eMerchandise
- remember?). Very much in contrast to The Odd Couple, I have only had a
week to work on this play, and it will only have one performance. It's
called Blat: A Fable and it's presented by The Working Theatre
. It
was written by Collective member Eva Suter specifically for this festival,
and I get to be in it! It's a pretty cute play, featuring a death, a kiss, a
lizard, and an oral report. Intrigued? Of course you are. Come see it at
5:30pm tomorrow at Proper Eats, 8638 N Lombard St. All totally FREE.

The day after The Odd Couple closes, rehearsals start for Ursula, by
Howard Barker. This is a big one. My role is rather peripheral (I have at
least 10 times more lines in Blat), but I'm very excited to be involved in
it. TASO (PSU's Theater Arts Student Organization, of which I am on the
executive board) is co-producing this with my acting teacher Devon Allen's
professional theater company, Our Shoes Are Red/The Performance Lab, and
Devon's acting in it, too. It will be the longest run I've ever acted in: 4
weekends from early Sept to early Oct, plus one additional show Oct 21 as
part of an international festival of Barker's plays. And it's being staged
at the Interstate Firehouse Cultural Center (IFCC),
which is one of the more professional theater venues in town. So I'm psyched
for that.

Meanwhile, I'll also be taking a non-university-related acting class from
Devon starting July 19 and running once a week for 6 weeks, wherein
I'll develop a classical monologue.

On August 2 I'll be doing another 24-hour play with CoHo
Those are always fun. And apparently on August 10 & 11, we'll be remounting
I Have Herpes? (the original one-act farce I acted in in late January as
part of the Fertile Ground
also at CoHo.

So, all this to say, I am going to have an awesome summer of theater, and at
the end of it, my resume will be longer and hopefully I will have more plays
lined up! Things are looking good.

Oh, except that none of this stuff pays, and after Tuesday I won't have a

What's new with you?

Gender identities and media (sociology assignment)

This term I took a 300-level Sociology class called Gender & Sexualities to fulfill a University Studies requirement at Portland State U. It's been a great class (though the schedule and structure could use some improvement) and I've learned a lot of interesting stuff. I just wrote a paper for it. The assignment was to watch two contrasting TV programs on different channels, note the portrayals of gender roles and identities in the commercials, and compare/contrast the difference between the commercials in the two shows. Being that I did this research the day before the paper was due (today), both of the shows aired on Sunday (yesterday). Then I stayed up til 3am writing it, so I wouldn't be surprised if there are some typos or errors I missed. Where I reference Kimmel, that's the author of one of our textbooks. Apologies if that reference doesn't make sense out of context; you, internet reader, were not my target audience.
Anyway, I'm just pasting the paper here because some people wanted to see it and this is an easy place to link to. kthxbye.

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That didn't last very long. I guess this is what dating is? Ehh.

... I wanted to take this really well and be cool and whatever about it, but uhhhh. Not as easy as it seems. I just need to go to bed before I -- no. whatever! yeah! goodnight!
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